Every which way

I always tried to find an outlet of some thoughts and feelings I've been dealing with as I grew from a lil girl to the woman I am now. Dealing with melastation from people that presume to be close to you and not being able to fight back getting over it...messes with your mind. I never tried to hurt myself in anyway or form. I just found comfort in the streets and the likeness of men. Not really in a sexual way but more like trying to figure them out. Wanting to be just like them cause I thought that no one can hurt them cause they are so strong. The thing is my mind is always racing from thought to thought dwelling upon dwelling of both situations is like torture to me. Now that I have a son, I try to protect him from it no matter who the person is. I really don't like to leave him at anyone house for too long if I can't be there with him. That bothers me because he's a boy and he had to have freedom. Sometime I can't sleep at night. Or, if I do finally get a good doze off i'lol jump right out my sleep sweating and breathing hard. My guard has always been up even tho I've dealt with men but I always seem to lash out at em once they try to get too close to me. Not to mention that I'm 32 years old and I need is to have a decent relationship because I know that I am a good woman and will make a great wife. PLEASE HELP...Sapphy