Toxic
It started with a toxic relationship before it became an avalanche of bad days. It wasn't that he meant the world to me, but the constant reminder that I would never mean the world to him. I was 15 at the time, fragile and so unaware of what I was getting into. Everyday I'd wake up to "Good morning sexy" which is not how I wanted someone to think about my body at 15. That's when the extreme discomfort about my body started. I had always thought of myself as chubby but being called "curvy" by someone I thought I loved pushed me over the edge. I lost 20 pounds in two and a half months. It wasn't until the weight was gone that I even realized it was happening. Then this boy ended up falling in love with someone else, who of course had to be one of my best friends. Can you imagine being 15, and being told by the person you think you love that they'd rather be with your best friend? Because that's exactly how it happened. I was so naive and I let the whole world around me crumble down and end when I had all the reasons to find someone better but I didn't think I ever could. I always thought I'd always be too "curvy" for someone to love me.
About a month after the breakup I get an "I miss you". I couldn't help but want to start talking to him again so I did, and it was probably my biggest mistake from this whole mess. The only thing he wanted from me was sex. I still had enough self worth that I didn't let him persuade me but knowing that that's what he really thought of me is when I shut down.
I stopped talking to most of my friends, I stopped going out, and I stopped eating.
Only then did I realize I was starting to really hate myself. I hated how much weight I made myself lose, and that's when the self injury began.
One day I confessed to him what he had done- the mental damage he put me through. He freaked out at me, screaming and cussing over the phone, threatening to kill himself, and it scared me so much that I found myself in this strange state of fear that left my whole body numb my mind racing in panic.
I dealt with panic attacks for about a year after that moment and I still get occasional panic attacks in certain environments. But I learned to love myself. When someone toxic comes into your life to try and ruin your state of happiness you have to learn to be big. And I didn't learn this on my own, I started talking to people online and I started reading poetry and getting into writing and theater. I came out of that darkness and realized when you believe there's nobody left in the world to love you, you're still there and you are young, and you have enough love to change someone like you. I am bigger than I was letting myself be, and I know that I could conquer this life alone, because I learned self love. The journey to self love isn't fast or simple, but it is possible, and everyone deserves love.
