What it’s like to be the black of a black girl with white girl tendencies (or to be a not enough rai
1. He lectures you about things he doesn't understand. He thinks you punk, stubborn as ass, child who ain't got nothing to be depressed over when you ain't wanting for nothing. But even in a room full of people you feel quarantined into secrecy. A disease that eating you raw . You tell no one. Especially your father.
2. What is comfort as a language to a man who didn’t have nothin sugar coated to him? He couldn’t willa wonka words for you if he wanted to. Each word hits you like a thread. His tongue a needle. Every speech is another inch of the rope you’re swinging from in the nightmares you dream.
3. You write poems during his rants perform them to detox your thoughts. Your teacher mandated to report the word “suicide” calls your father with concern. He calls you without it says I know you not that stupid. I told you it was stupid. Don't be stupid. You have more to live for.
4. He thinks it's the easy way out. Like his heart ain't never raced when doing something wrong that feels so right. Like you found a forbidden cheat code to the game of life. Rolling the dice, got 6 three times. He think suicide the devil’s work.
5. You wonder who else knows the feeling. You wonder if anyone will be willing to listen forget to judge and understand. You wonder if everyone thinks like your father. A man raised Central and Washington. West side where black folks don't be sad bout nothing. Just angry. Never sad. Or at least no one notices when they are.
6. Your father believes little black boys are the reason you’re sad and crying all the time. Like they only want sex. They don't care. They hit quit. Toss salad then you. They don't love. Your father is is wrong, but if he was, you just found a man in the image of your earthly father.
7. Ain't nothing ever gone make since to the closed minded who thinks white people can only get depressed and even then they just confused and over exaggerate their sadness. So depression don't even exist.
8. He knows every sign and signal of the illuminati but can't picture you being broken. Like you bulletproof 24 hours gas station that can't never be robbed of its valuables.
9. You hope one day you can teach him what depression is. That it isn't just feelings it's mental, chemical imbalance. It's ain't no phase or no spurts. It's real. Just like your fathers fear of losing you to something he calls a white people disease. The first time he has ever sugar coated something.
10. Your father doesn't know he persuades you more than anyone to jump. To find beauty in the blood lust of balconies.
