For her, and everyone else.
Isolation.
That word has driven many people to roads they cannot come back from, yet that is exactly where my journey began. Being a child of parents that deal with depression, I always tell people that I am a product of isolation. I frequently remember the days where everything was fine within my own household yet nothing was ever said. I was so used to isolation that it became a comfortzone for me. It was at that point where I learned how to love myself. Sports was always my outlet … well, I should say the only thing that kept me alive in coversations. If it wasn’t for sports, people would assume there was something wrong with me. For many years I questioned why I never had it in me to pursue a professional sports career, but now I think I have an answer to it. Sports was my favorite hobby, but putting a smile on people’s faces was my passion. I always wanted my ears to be someones safe haven. The big problem was I only knew how to listen, I never learned how to respond. Talking when it was needed the most was my biggest flaw. There is absolutely nothing worse than having your flaw exposed.
I’ve had multiple traffic stops with depression, some being ill-advised and others I can see coming from a mile away. Each time, it consisted of the same routine. Lay in bed, get up only if necessary and sleep until you can no longer keep your eyes closed. It didnt dawn on me that even during the happiest times in my life, this was the same outlook I had. That’s where I truly thought I could no longer relate to other kids. That’s why I started working at the age of 13. I needed to allow my determination and ambition to over power my depression, but that never worked. The key to getting over it was communication. The key to getting over it was voicing how I felt. The key to getting over it was poetry and art museums. The key to getting over it was having people surround you that not only support you, but can also relate to you. The majority of my life was just listening and it wasnt until I truly learned the value of speaking that allowed me to get out of those traffic stops.
Remember as a young child when you would wait in line to get on a ride and you decide right when you are next to get on, you back out. That was the relationship in terms of my friends and their suicidal thoughts. Normally, my friends will reach that point, come to their senses and decide that its not worth it. I guess by seeing that, I never offically knew how to talk someone out of those thoughts.I could tell she was going through a lot. She had many setbacks that kept her from reaching her full potential. But one thing about her was that she was brave. She would go on any rollercoaster without having one ounce of fear or being nervous. It’s my fault for not taking that into consideration the moment she decided it would be the night. I have flashbacks of our last convo very often. You never really realize the difference of tone of voice until after something happens. She was sending signs my way. Think of it as the communication between the pitcher and his/her catcher. The catcher sends signs for the pitcher to throw his/her pitch. I was always the catcher. But this time it was different. She was catching me by giving me signs to give her words of encouragement. Clearly I couldn’t step up when I needed too. She has given me the strength to deliver those words now. It’s been a while to truly get back on my feet and feel like I can help someone who really feels like they are alone.
It wasn’t sports that has given me a purpose. It was a tragic eye opener that showed me where I would have to go to find light in a tunnel. I would have to look deep inside myself in order to see where this light will be. And don’t worry J Baby, your friend found it smile emoticon. So for those who manage to walk along side by side with us on this journey, know you will have someone fighting for you every step of the way. Did she change my life forever? Yes, but she also showed me exactly where my life began.
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